CANNIBAL TERROR Movie and DVD Review

CANNIBAL TERROR (1981)

When two bumbling crooks and their prostitute friend hatch a plan to kidnap the young daughter of a car manufacturer, they think their money troubles are all over. But, these crooks can’t even get a simple kidnapping right, and when their plan falls through, the trio pull a few favors and quickly cross over into the next country to hide out, taking the little girl with them. There’s only one problem - the cottage they’re hiding out in is right on the border of cannibal territory!

Though the crooks think they’re safe, tension mounts no doubt due to the fact that Mario rapes Manuela, the wife of the cottage’s owner. Manuela’s husband deals with Mario in his own special way, while the other two race into the jungle. On their trail though, are the parents of the little girl and the tribe of cannibals who have picked up their scent. As the chase turns into free-for-all battle for survival, the only question remains is who will be lucky enough to simply die and who will become the next sacrificial meal of the cannibals?

For bottom-of-the-barrel EuroTrash sleaze looking to cash in on a horror fad, look no further than this Alain Deruelle (directing under the pseudonym Allan W Steeve) French/Spanish co-production from 1981, as he tries to ride the coattails of Italian directors like Ruggero Deodato and his infamous CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST. However, Deruelle proves that his abilities to mimic a genre to make a few bucks are even worse than Jess Franco at his worst. Interestingly enough, Franco was thought to be the true director of this movie for years.

The cannibal sub-genre is a particularly nasty offshoot in the realm of horror, and lends its perverse violence, often times demeaning stereotyping and lurid acts of sexual depravity to those with an acquired taste. And that is when the genre is done right. When done as a poorly cobbled together cash-in such as CANNIBAL TERROR, the results are a mixture of unintentional humor and boredom, interrupted ever so briefly with moments of stomach-turning disgust.

Here, the laughter starts from the first scene with abysmal acting of everyone involved, magnetized by the canned and nearly-emotionless English dubbing, but really gets the guffaws rolling with the introduction of perhaps the worst depiction of cannibals the screen has ever seen. These cannibals, who for the most part are pasty white Europeans with sideburns, flowing locks of hair, and beerbellies who have painted their faces and can barely contain their giggles as they hoot and holler and dance around endlessly. Rather than try to exploit their “savage rituals” a la MONDO CANE, here it amounts to nothing more than a ridiculous updating of white guys pretending to be Indians in old Hollywood westerns.

Now the highlight, if one can call it that, of any good cannibal films is of course the visceral display of flesh eating. Derulle’s version of that is to substitute a pig’s body for that of human, drape some clothes over it, and let a few extras tear it apart. We get two scenes of this grotesque barbarity, as a few fellows pull at and pretend to eat the organs of some piggy. Its a bit revolting, until you notice their smiles, as if it say, “look at us, we’re cannibals!” It is impossible to take anything even remotely serious after that.

The rest of the film amounts to a few brief glimpses of nudity thanks to exploitation mainstay (BLUE RITA, GIRL SLAVES) in one of her final roles, lots and lots of walking, a few clips of jungle stock footage, and a rollicking African beat inspired soundtrack. In fact, there’s just enough footage of interesting and exciting scenes to be able to cut together a trailer that (as is often the case) promises much more than is ever delivered.

It is a sure bet that if CANNIBAL TERROR had not been labeled a Video Nasty and briefly banned in the UK during the mid-’80s, the film would have long ago disappeared into obscurity. But now, thanks mostly to this infamous list it has lived on, and now the movie has finally been restored to all its uncut “glory” by Severin Films for its US DVD debut, where it surely continue to provide laughs for a whole new generation of gut-munching fanatics.

The DVD provides an anamorphic widescreen transfer of an uncut print, and has been remastered in Hi-Definition, though the quality varies from one scene to the next, and even one cut to the next. The sound retains glaringly obvious of its dubbed roots. The special features include a deleted scene, which is just a short clip of Pamela Stanford dancing around topless that should have been reinstated into the film and the theatrical trailer featuring a priceless voice-over, especially when the announcer exclaims “Cannibal Terror!”

For genre enthusiasts this is worth a precursory glance just for the sake of curiosity and mocking, and for those that absolutely positively have to own every Video Nasty. For the rest, there is nothing to see here.

KUNG FU KILLER Television Review

KUNG FU KILLER (2008)

In this two-part mini-series, an elderly Caucasian monk named White Crane (David Carradine) returns to his monastery after wandering the world for two decades to spend the rest of his days. But soon after he returns, an army battalion under the rule of criminal mastermind Khan sweeps into the monastery and systematically wipe out most of monks. White Crane vows to take revenge and soon finds himself in Shanghai, where he actually becomes the bodyguard of Khan in order to get close to him, and learns of Khan’s plan in creating a gas that will kill countless thousands.

White Crane also meets up with Jane (Darryl Hannah), a singer from Brooklyn who is now the main attraction at a local bar, and whose brother coincidentally is the scientist who is being forced to work on Khan’s death gas. When Khan is finally ready to test his new gas, White Crane sees this as the moment to show his true allegiance, and strikes with vengeance in his heart and in his fists! Meanwhile, back at the monastery which is slowly being rebuilt, White Crane is about to discover that there is one in the shadows who has been thirsting for his own revenge.

Originally aired on Spike TV August 17th and 18th as part of the network’s Spike Guy Movies original programming umbrella, this made-for-TV mini-series reunites KILL BILL co-stars Carradine and Hannah for a martial arts revenge romp through early 20th century China. Though it has been dubbed a mini-series, each night’s broadcast feels very much likes its own movie, as if the original and the sequel were merely filmed back-to-back and subsequently broadcasted as such. There is no cliffhanger or “to be continued” at the end of Part One, which wraps itself up with a nice little bow before letting the credits role, while the opening of Part Two simply just starts like any other sequel.

David Carradine slips easily back into his controlled martial arts persona that made him a star in the seventies television series "Kung Fu" and later in KILL BILL, but try as he may, can’t quite summon the fully dynamic energy needed for such a performance, which can be forgiven to a point being as the man is pushing seventy-two years. Much of his dialogue feels like its been pulled from a fortune cookie, while his fight choreography is mostly reduced to him blocking an attacker’s strike, and then reacting with a punch. Carradine can still whip up some great screen charisma though, and he seem genuinely excited to be in the movie, while the movie is likewise genuinely excited to have him as a star.

However, the same can not be said for Darryl Hannah, who is in this purely for her connection to Carradine. Hannah has trouble getting through her songs and with her chiseled jaw line looks more like a drag queen during her nightclub dance numbers rather than the object of desire the character is supposed to be. Hannah looks bored half the time, and probably longs to be holding a sword again, rather than be transformed into a subplot device and a marketing ploy.

What the film may lack in the acting chops, including some questionable English speaking dialogue from the almost exclusively Chinese cast (we’ll just leave alone the fact that all the peasants inherently can speak fluent English) it more than makes up for in sheer devastation and literally bone-crushing violence. It is surprising just how much Spike TV lets through over the airwaves, cable or no cable. Under the choreography of Hero stuntman Feng Shi and Wang Jun Kang, limbs are severed, soldiers are beheaded and poor monks are blown up by the military’s cannons, with copious amounts of blood spraying everywhere. Carradine is of course given a few of most memorable blows, including a palm attack that forces a soldier’s spine out of their back.

KUNG FU KILLER, whose name recalls the rather generic retitling of many an English dubbed martial arts film throughout the seventies and eighties, is really geared toward this exact audience. It is not really meant as a slight towards them, but Spike TV knows their target demographic and this is nothing more than giving the masses what they want. It is certainly not an homage to this era, but there is the feeling that director Philip Spink is trying to recapture the energy of those Saturday afternoon television broadcasts. And on that note Spink just squeaks by with a success.

Stephen Chow To Play Kato and Direct GREEN HORNET

Stephen Chow, the Hong Kong comedic genius who has been making a niche for himself in America with recent films such as SHAOLIN SOCCER and KUNG FU HUSTLE, is about to get a whole lot more press. Writing team Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, who are working on the script for the GREEN HORNET recently won over Chow to play Kato (a role originally made famous on television by Bruce Lee) have now just gone ahead and offered Chow the chance to direct the film... and he has said yes!

"I'm excited to be taking on THE GREEN HORNET - obviously I've been a huge fan of the show since I was a kid," Chow said. "The idea of stepping into Bruce Lee's shoes as Kato is both humbling and thrilling, and to get the chance to direct the project as my American movie debut is simply a dream come true."

Yes, with Chow making his American debut we may soon be seeing a resurgence in fanaticism for Chow. Several of his older films have been getting released here in the states, including THE ROYAL TRAMP series, and his association with THE GREEN HORNET will surely create an even greater demand for access to his impressive filmography.

Currently there is no specific word on what the storyline will involve. The film is currently scheduled to open June 25, 2010, so let the waiting begin.

Road House (1948) Movie and DVD Review

ROAD HOUSE (1948)

When Lily Stevens arrives at the backwoods bar and bowling alley called Jefty’s Road House as the latest singer, general manager Pete is less than thrilled. He thinks that Lily will only become the next in a long line of entertainers that Jefty has brought into his place hoping for some cheap thrills, while Pete is forced to deal with the poor girl’s broken heart. But something is different about Lily. She’s a chain-smoking, scotch-pounding woman who is here for the paycheck, and not interested in any extracurricular activities - at first anyway.

Pete, much to his chagrin, finds himself falling for Lily as he teaches her to bowl and shares a few drinks with her. Meanwhile, Jefty has been working himself up thinking that Lily is falling for him, when in fact she is discovering a love for Pete. Lily and Pete try to keep their relationship a secret, though when Jefty does not ask, but tells Lily they are going to get married, they are forced to reveal the truth. Jefty, whose gone mad from love and insane with jealousy, devices a nefarious scheme to keep the two lovebirds in town, but his short temper and heavy drinking may just prove to be his own undoing.

By 1948, the film-noir genre was in full swing, with studios churning out movies left and right. ROAD HOUSE marked one of 20th Century Fox’s earlier entries in the genre, and what an entry it is! Jean Negulesco, who would win a Best Director Oscar for JOHNNY BELINDA the following year, directs with cool panache a story from Oscar Saul (who adapted A STREET CAR NAMED DESIRE for the screen). The story is almost a two-in-one, as the first half is a quick witted melodrama in a bowling alley bar, while the second half steeps itself in shadows and tension as the characters rocket toward their inevitable fates.

At the heart of the movie is Lily Stevens, played to perfection by Ida Lupino. Saul’s screenplay, which was co-written by Margaret Gruen, features surprisingly progressive feminist ideals for the general time period, though were rather commonplace within the noir genre. Lily proves again and again that she is no pushover and can go drink for drink, smoke for smoke, and vocal jab for jab with the men, and is aghast when she is simply told to get married to Jefty. Lupino is simply perfect for the role, and shows within the movie her skills with an “I can do that, it easy” mentality. Off screen, Lupino would later make a name for herself as a television and movie director in a decidedly “boys only” era of Hollywood.

Pulling the reigns of Pete and Jefty are Cornel Wilde and Richard Widmark. Wilde gives a solid performance, but nothing too fancy or memorable though, but Widmark absolutely steals the movie. Widmark had made an incredible debut as the psychotic gangster Tommy Udo the year before in KISS OF DEATH, and he retains a little bit of that edge here. For Widmark, his talent lies in talking with his eyes, and you can watch the man flick a switch as he goes from likable to feared in a split second. When Jefty finally loses his cool in the last third of the film, Widmark is in complete control and his performance is mesmerizing.

As with any noir worth its weight in bullets, the set design and lighting play just as crucial a role in making or breaking the movie as the actors inhabiting it, and ROAD HOUSE makes exceptional use of both. While the standard light through the Venetian blinds makes an appearance, the film instead uses large swaths of bottomless shadows to engulf singular light bulbs, or a moon high in the sky to light the woods, a rather surreal setting given noirs often concrete jungle atmosphere. And what can be said of the actual road house set but pure fantastical brilliance. The crashing pins in the background and wafting cigarette smoke is simply intoxicating, and it is here that you can see glimmers of influence on THE BIG LEBOWSKI which would be release fifty years later.

While titles like DOUBLE INDEMNITY and THE BIG SLEEP have come to symbolize film noir through and through, ROAD HOUSE has criminally fallen to the side. Its true that there are no sinister plots of murder, no wicked double crossing and no voice-overs telling the story to be found here, but Negulesco’s movie does have that same unsettling feeling that these characters somehow know how this is all gong to end, and they are powerless to stop it. Even at the lightest moments of the movie, there is that burning feeling that happiness is but a fleeting moment, and that the only thing you can really trust is a slug of whiskey in your gut and loaded revolver hidden close by.

For the movie’s DVD debut, Fox has done their absolute best to present the finest print from the source material available. Preserved in its original full-screen ratio, the transfer does justice the incredible black and white cinematography along with the original mono soundtrack. English, Spanish and French subtitles are also provided. Included in the extras is an audio commentary, a look at the lives of Lupino and Widmark, an interactive pressbook, and a photo gallery.

Any self-respecting cinema fan needs to have this in their collection, and this DVD release is what we have all been waiting for.

THE MORGUE Movie Review

THE MORGUE (2008)

Life moves at a pretty repetitive rate for Margo, and that is just how she likes it. Every night, she rides her bike over to the local morgue and mausoleum to vacuum the rugs, give the night watchman his liquor and try once again to get that pesky stain off the bathroom floor that is said to be blood from one of morticians when they committed suicide. But tonight, her peaceful routine is interrupted when a dysfunctional family comes in looking for gas and to use her bathroom. Margo does her best to help them, but when a pair of men burst into the morgue badly injured, Margo knows that something is very wrong.

Things go from bad to worse for the group when they discover that not only are the phones dead, but that there seems to be something stalking and hunting them in the shadows. Margo tries to take the lead of the perplexed and confused, but whatever it is in the darkness seems to know their every move before they make it. With hours to go till the sun rises, will any of them live to see the day?

No matter how exciting this synopsis may sound, rest assured in knowing that THE MORGUE may just be the most boring haunted horror film of the year. Even at just under ninety minutes, and with a denouement that begins a full fifteen minutes before the titles role, waiting for this movie to finally fade to black is a chore. While it may have some reaching for the remote to fast forward to something that may be interesting, the majority of those who self-inflict this movie on themselves will be fighting just to keep their eyelids open.

Najla Ann Al-Doori is a short story writer who makes her screenwriting debut here, and if she has any sympathy for the horror community, she will stay far away from cinema here after. Al-Doori’s story is completely uninspired, with wafer-thin characters and a plot that can be guessed by basically anyone within the first ten minutes. And this does not even take into consideration of the marketing, but perhaps we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

What little potential there is for some suspense and maybe one or two good scares is completely eviscerated by co-directors Halder Gomes and Gerson Sanginitto who take a stab at horror after each directing a few low budget action movies. Gomes and Sanginitto test their audience’s patience early on by going completely overboard with jump cuts and double exposures as if to warn us that there is something mysterious about this particular morgue, but only manages to irritate the eyes. If this is what they feel passes as spooky foreshadowing, then they need to hit the video store and do some more research.

Meanwhile, things aren’t looking to good for the cast either. Lisa Crilley takes her first shot in a lead role as Margo and just barely holds the role. It’s not clear if it is the material or Crilley who is to blame, but at least she’s got a great scream, which certainly holds some weight. Poor Bill Cobbs is reduced to stumbling around, muttering a few words and taking long drags of liquor, while Chris Devlin shows off his abilities to make you want to punch him through the screen. And hey, is that Heather Donahue of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT fame being completely wasted in a few scenes? Why yes, yes it is.

The one thing that THE MORGUE does succeed in is having a set design that is too good for this movie. The labyrinth-like corridors of crypts and coffins that twist and wind seemingly for infinity offer up the only place where some interesting camera work and lighting is even attempted. So kudos to the production design team, who at least offer up something to keep our attention during the bleak emptiness of this movie.

Now, a word on the marketing in conjunction with the Lionsgate DVD release, which features an anamorphic widescreen transfer along with a Dolby Digital 5.1 soundtrack. The whole point of a twist ending is that we are not supposed to know it is coming. In a post-Shyamalan world, if you put “There is an astonishing twist ending” right there are the back of the DVD box, chances are we’re going to spend the whole time figuring out what it is. And in the case of THE MORGUE, viewers will be abysmally disappointed when the astonishing mundane twist that Al-Doori has to offer can be deciphered mere minutes into the film.

Need something to help fall asleep tonight and C-SPAN just isn’t doing the trick? Well then you’re in luck because Halder Gomes and Gerson Sanginitto have concocted the perfect remedy. Sweet dreams!

The Morgue DVD Review originally published on Geeks Of Doom.

LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE Movie and DVD Review

LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE (2008)

After Chris is kicked off his surfing team and loses his endorsements, he and his sister head off to the sleepy town of Luna Bay to lay low and hopefully start anew. Within twenty-four hours of arriving in the town, he discovers that his one-time surfing idol Shane lives in the town, meets up with a delusional surfboard shaper who claims to be a vampire hunter named Edgar Frog, is invited to a party at Shane’s who picks up Chris’ sister Nicole, and has sex with a woman who turns out be a vampire.

Confused, bewildered, and none-to-happy that Nicole also seems to be displaying symptoms of vampirism, Chris turns to Edgar for some unbelievable advice. Edgar, who has been hunting vampires for more than twenty years, quickly catches Chris up to speed with a stack of comic books. He tells Chris that Nicole is only half-vampire — as long as they can kill the head vampire before she feeds, she will be saved. And with that, Chris makes the fateful decision to become half-vampire himself so he has the strength to fight, while Edgar loads up on stakes and holy water to dispatch this latest tribe of bloodsuckers who have invaded his town.

It has been more than two decades since Joel Schumacher introduced a band of beach bum vampires and a group of pre-teen vampire slayers to moviegoers who had been jacked up on John Hughes teen dramas and horror-comedy hybrids, and lovingly embraced the fun-filled characters. With the current trend that seems to have no end of producing sequel after sequel coupled with an everlasting love for all things eighties, it is a wonder it took this long to create a sequel to THE LOST BOYS. But does this movie hold up? Is it worthy of carrying such a moniker? The answer is a resounding and deafening “meh.”

Had this been a standalone film, direct-to-video hack writer Hans Rodionoff would have been accused of stealing core elements from The Lost Boys and mocked for making not one, but two forced references to THE BIG LEBOWSKI. However, he would have at least been given credit for dishing out a script that allowed for plenty of teasing T&A and a few decently gory feeding sequences. As it stands though, this is a sequel to a beloved film, where the only thing it had to do right was please nostalgic fans of the original, since anyone without fond memories of Corey Feldman screaming “try the holy water, death breath!” will or won’t see this no matter what its called. And with that in mind, Rodionoff falls flat on his face.

Director P.J. Pesce puts together a somewhat competent, if wholly mediocre vampire film, where the emphasis is on how “extreme” the tribe of neck biters are rather than providing a good story, and more importantly, a good sequel. Plot holes are left wide open, and frustrating inferences are left unanswered so that we have room for a day-for-night surfing scene (which looks as bad as POINT BREAK’s sequence) and vampires playing video games. Several throwbacks and winks to the original film are sneaked in, not least of all is a randomly placed pair of antlers, which of course are used to impale one of the vampires.

Our only returning character is Edgar Frog, and Corey Feldman, who is sporting a gravely voice, seems eager to strap on some camouflage, sharpen some cross-shaped stakes, and fill balloons with holy water, and is criminally relegated to a minor character whose scenes are clearly the best in the movie. The rest of the cast pale in comparison, with only Angus Sutherland (younger half-brother to the original’s star Kiefer) pulling off something that resembles a descent villain in the role of Shane. The rest, including our protagonists and vampire underlings, you just want to see die.

Corey Haim, reprising his role as Sam Emerson, does make a very quick cameo during a cutaway in the middle of the end credits, and it is a shame that this is where it was decided to throw his character. But the real stinger comes in the Alternate Endings that are part of the extras found on newly released Warner Brothers DVD. These scenes, which reunite Edgar Frog and Sam Emerson, reveal that Edgar’s brother Alan has become a master vampire and is coming to settle a score with Edgar. This three-minute scene is better than the entire movie and it is a travesty that it has been reduced to an bonus feature. This scene hints at what should have been the basis for the entire sequel, and it is a slap in the face to the fans which have kept the original’s popularity going long after its expiration date.

Movie and DVD review originally published on Geeks Of Doom.

Overthought Pop Culture for the Huddled Masses

[shameless plug] This may come as a shock to my long time readers, but sometimes I must pull open my window curtains and let the light come into my darkened room to see whats is happening in the really real world. For times like these, I need a one-stop-shop to find out whats been going on since last I looked, and for that I turn to www.blogocrat.com for my political and entertainment needs. The site reposts some of the best recent blog articles so you don't have to spend hours popping from one site to the next. [/shameless plug]

Now, we return back to your regularly scheduled blood and mayhem.

LINDA LOVELACE FOR PRESIDENT Movie Review

LINDA LOVELACE FOR PRESIDENT (1975)

When factions from just about every political movement in the country become completely disgruntled with the two currently political candidates, they hold a convention of their own to nominate a suitable third party candidate. But with groups ranging from the Lets Get Back to Viet Nam Committee, the American Nazi Party, and the Group Marriage Group, it seems that no one will ever be chosen. However, on a lark (and as you’ve probably already guessed from the title) they finally go with porn star Linda Lovelace of DEEP THROAT fame.

With the blessing and guidance of her Uncle Sam, Linda and her merry crew of cross-sectioned supporters and organizers including a priest, a feminist, a flaming homosexual and a pedophile head from coast to coast in a pair of buses with a path that is quite fitting of Linda’s infamy. When Linda actually starts ranking in the polls, due in part to her very healthy one-on-one grassroots promoting, representatives from both the Democrats and Republicans team up to stop her. Their plan - hire the world’s best assassin Alfredo Fettuccini to kill her before the elections!

With Linda Lovelace standing completely nude in a very Patton-esque pose in front of an American flag, the opening text proudly proclaims “This picture is intended to offend everybody… regardless of race, creed or color.” And it does. From the psychotic and disturbed mind of “Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In” writer Jack Margolis comes this sketch-comedy styled political farce the plays in the same vein as THE KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE and swings for the fences to ensure that no one is left out. But in between the immature double entendres and homophobic, racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, incestuous and pedophilia-laced jokes is a jab at politics and how elections are won that seems eerily foretelling of today’s politics.

Director Claudio Guzman just barely keeps everything in some form of logical and coherent forward momentum, but leaves plenty of room for complete onscreen anarchy and commotion. Linda and company move from one five-to-ten minute bit to the next, with Linda of course losing all over clothes in each one for some full-frontal nudity and simulated softcore sex (the film was originally rated “X”), while many of her cohorts get into their own rambunctious antics including ex-Monkee Micky Dolenz as a nearsighted and neurotic bus driver. While the cast includes many comedic talents from the late sixties and early seventies, most of the acting comes off as second rate.

With over thirty years passed since its original release in 1975, the bawdy movie offers a peek back into a raunchy and unapologetic time before political correctness threatened to make offensive humor a relic of the past or at least neuter it to the being pointless at its best or hipster-ironic at its worst. While it may have ruffled a few feathers back in the day for the most part everyone who saw it seemed to get the joke - in a world where everything is offensive, is anything actually offensive?

LINDA LOVELACE FOR PRESIDENT would mark the last screen appearance for Linda Lovelace, whose real name is Linda Boreman, save for archive footage that was recycled through the eighties. Lovelace, who died in 2002, would later go on to write two books alleging she was forced to participate in pornography. While Linda’s life may not have had the happiest ending, there is no doubt that she still retains a legion of fans, who will be thrilled to know that this hard-to-find title has finally been released on DVD.

This review was originally published at The DVD Lounge.